25 came with a lot of self awareness.
You know, I’ve always been that little girl. That girl who is the youngest in her class, that girl who is the smallest in a group, that girl who had everything fast, That girl who needn’t care about being too old for certain jobs because she had ‘age on her side’, That girl who a lot of people wanted to be like because they felt she was so young and had a lot going for her already. (Really tho?)
I cannot explain how I have felt in the past years living life with this perspective of how other people think highly of my supposed young age. I have not been exactly elated about it, neither have I considered it a reason to be sad. I have just been indifferent in a way because I did see myself as older than some and younger than some. I felt good sometimes and the other way, other times.
I’ve heard people refer to me as that ‘small girl’ over the years. I’ve had people throw it in my face that I couldn’t talk to them in certain ways because they were way above me in age. My physique hasn’t helped either. It has brought people my way to make enquiries about a 100 level course when I was actually studying for my masters degree. (LOL this was a funny occurence, I’d talk about it some time). Some one swore I was barely twenty last year when I was actually 24. It took me a lot of self restraint to give him a knock on the head.
Away from the preamble. Guys, I’m 25 now!
Since last year when I was 24, I found myself asking a lot of questions. Giving myself many mental lectures. Going from 0 to 100 and back again. Seeking answers to questions that I had pushed to a far corner in my mind for a long time. I got very aware of myself, of my age , of expectations and of things I thought would be perfect, or almost perfect, by now. I became sensitive, to my surroundings , Work and a host of others. I cannot say I started feeling like an adult, because sincerely? I believe I’ve been feeling like an adult and making adult decisions for a while now, so I’m good with the adult thing.
I think more of major decisions now. I’m enthusiastic about engaging in meaningful projects and affiliations that actually bring a difference. I think of my career, my job, in more ways than one. I question myself from time to time on whether I am doing what I should be doing or just going with the flow. Sometimes, I feel like it’s the latter, other times, the former comes through.
Now I want to do more. Now, I’m more reactive to everything. Now, I’m touchy about more discussions than I would have wanted. I still smile, like I always do but the reasons no longer run as deep. I have no wish to meet more people anymore, This particular one is strange, I used to always want more friends, encourage more networking, participate in meetups.
I see myself making plans to go out and hang with friends or do movies with selected ones but I end up picking Sleep as the winner and embracing my pillow, this brings me peace, so much joy, . I like Twitter too, it gives me a chance to rant and jump from one topic to the other without rules of context disturbing me. I just need my phone charged and my bed soft. This feeling is beautiful to me.
Some very close friends have complained I’m aloof. That’s such a strong word, I don’t see myself as aloof neither do I see myself as distant but they think I am, Is this the truth? Am I shrinking? I don’t want to shrink. At the risk of sounding like a human on the path to depression, I’d like to express the fact that I think I’m getting more into myself than anybody else. You call it Narcissism, is that it?
I just want to know, is this normal? Is this a ’25’ thing or am I just a different specie? I want to know if it’s wrong to withdraw into one’s shell. I’d like to figure out if there is something I’m not doing well enough, or doing too much. I seek betterment in my affairs. Religion, relationships, acquaintances and lots more.
I don’t exactly know what this post is meant to do. I just found myself writing. It’s February and there has been no post this year. I know I promised consistency, I’m sorry. That seems so far from reach (Is that also a 25 thing? )
I pray we all find reasons to be happy, to be genuinely happy….
I’ll be back. BOS